The Shakin' Martinis

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"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" – Bill Connolly

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, $200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

 

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no... Get away from me...you’re a sicko!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."